Thanksgiving in Booger Holler

When I was a youngster, the fourth Thursday of November was the time of year when our family participated in that wonderful American tradition of self-inflicted pain and emotional collapse, where total disregard for law, order, and sanity reign in abundance. Yes, the last Thursday of November meant that our annual family Thanksgiving reunion was at hand.

The scene went something like the following. The mid-morning bliss is shattered as the front door to our house is thrown open and at the top of his voice Uncle Broc, the human vacuum, blurts out, "Let's eat; everyone who is someone is here, argh, argh, argh!"

Behind Broc, out of an ancient, grimy Volkswagen bus , a pack of dirty-faced, wrinkled-clothed, human-wolf kids scamper. Aunt Gerdy, Broc's wife, brings up the rear, carrying her infamous coffee cake--for two months before the reunion, she saves the grounds from every pot of coffee she makes and--well, I think you get the picture.

Before long the house fills with the noise of relatives swarming all over the place. Uncles, aunts, parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, and cousins engage in shouting matches as everyone tries to converse at once. All the while, the youngest kids are swinging on drapes and hanging from chandeliers acting like Tarzan of the jungle.

Finally, dinner's ready and everyone sits down to enjoy the festive meal.

"Will you say grace?" Dad asks five-year-old Johnny. Little Johnny squints his eyes closed, bows his head, and in a hushed but serious voice says, "Grace."

"Amen," we all say and the loud individual conversations start up again.

"Hey, pass the gravy down this 'er way!" No one hears Uncle Lute's request.

"I SAID PASS THE GRAVY!" Still, his request goes unheard. So Uncle Lute stands up, climbs upon the table and walks down to the opposite end. He then picks up the gravy boat, walks nonchalantly back down the table to his chair, and sits down to devour his meal, and the situation deteriorates from there.

Sometime during the course of the meal, as Cousin Clouse was eating turkey, a long string of skin from the bird gets caught in his throat, cutting off his air. Choking and gasping, Clouse puts his hands around his neck to indicate that he's having trouble breathing.

"Look at Clouse!" someone yells, and everyone laughs uncontrollably.

Yeah, Clouse is up to his old Thanksgiving clowning, making believe he is choking on his food just to get a laugh from everyone.

Well, after Clouse's face and lips turn purple from lack of oxygen, we figure he isn't kidding this time and, in an effort to dislodge whatever is blocking his windpipe, the adults pounce on him at once.

With 60 pair of hands down his throat, and just as many knees in his chest and stomach, Clause fights back and tempers fly. What starts out as an act of mercy now turns into total mayhem. Soon a wad of people are rolling on the carpet, cursing and clawing each other like wild and unruly alley cats.

Crash! Under the table they go. Thump! Over goes the table with our festive dinner. Smash! Through the screen door and out onto the lawn they roll for all the neighbors to observe.

After posting bail for most of the family, we send everyone home and return to the scene of the crime, trying to salvage what we can of our holiday meal.

You know, for a long time I thought the Thanks part of the holiday was that Thanksgiving only comes once a year.

6 comments:

Lis said...
HAHAAAAAAAA!Aren't families....and holidays........and holidays with the family GRAND?????The kids and I were talking about "wolf-children" just the other day when a dinner conversation went strangly awry. It was so bizarre that I felt compelled to post it. LOL. Have a great week.Lis
Sunday, November 20, 2005 7:51:00 PM EST

Valerie said...
rock on, brother...i also am about to venture off to in-laws for the annual soap opera called Thanksgiving Dinner.family. gotta love 'em.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005 1:48:00 AM EST

Debbie said...
Doug, we need to check and see if we're related. :)
Friday, November 25, 2005 2:15:00 PM EST

Da Gal said...
Another wonderful visual - I abandoned the pattern of thanksgiving this year by house/dog/cat sitting for friends and hosting a "charlie-brown thanksgiving" for a few friends who had nowhere else to go. Together the four of us had a grand time and enjoyed some good food and card games afterward. I'd love to see your families rap sheets!Blessings to you and yours.
Friday, November 25, 2005 5:06:00 PM EST

Ivy the Goober said...
My parents used to be friends with Frank Bagley and ? I can't remember the wife's name but I can picture her! Any relation?
Saturday, November 26, 2005 11:31:00 PM EST

Slim Suzy said...
LOL, all I can say is "thank goodness" we don't have "Thanksgiving" in Australia!Do you get to do it all again on Christmas Day?
Monday, November 28, 2005 10:47:00 PM EST