A Valentine Story--Huck Finn Style

She was a tall, lean brunette and best of all, Miss Haney was single. Now, that's a right bit important when yer a 4th-grader and sweet on yer teacher. After all, a fella would have to be lower than a snake's belly to snatch his teacher from her man.

But I knowed I could a done it. It done showed in her eyes that day in class whilest I was a workin' on my paint picture and she up and puts her hand on my shoulder and commenced to make polite conversation.

"That's a interestin' paintin', " says she. "What is it?"

Talk about slick as a greased pig. Why, she knowed what it was; she 'us just doin' her level-headed best to find somethin' to say so's to steal a little extry time with me. She could tell I was pantin' one of them sissy white poodles fer her. Land-a-goshen, she done told me once that them piddley little dawgs was her most favorite kind of animal in the whole world, and I kind a taken that as a hint to do the paintin'.

Well, I just had to spot a way to let Miss Haney know that I was real sweet on her, too. Valentine's Day was a comin' directly and that seemed as good a time as any to learn her of my feelin's. I figerd I could conjure up one of my special homemade cards. Heck! I was a fixin' to make an insultin' card fer my sister Tammy, the "frog." Whilest I was at it, I could make a syruppy-nice one fer my teacher (women folk like them kinds a things).

I set to work on my project the weekend 'fore Valentine's Day. Secretly, I gathered the necessaries which I'd be needin': glue, colored paper, scissors, and markers. Then I stole away to my bedroom, bein' careful to lock the door.I commenced to worry over some poems which was a rattlin' 'round in my noggin. "Hmmm, " I says to myself, "How about:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I seen dead carcasses,
perttier than you.

That one was perfect fer Tammy, my sister. What I most needed now was somethin' just the opposite for Miss Haney's valentine.

Like the roses God has made,
Which glisten in the dew,
And petals soft, their velvet touch
Remindin' me of you,
Of all creations God has made,
Yer His finest deed,
And the day you come into my life,
He truly done blessed me.

Perfect! Why, that poem's so sicknin-sweet it just had to be good.
I was kind of a no-account when it come to artistery type work; so, fer cards, I cut out a pair of foldin' red hearts, great big uns, and on the insides I printed the sayin's I plucked from my brain.
Lookin' at the settin' sun, I realized I was runnin' late fer a game of kick-the-can with the fellas. So, I just slapped them valentines into envelopes and figured I'd sign 'em later, maybe in the mornin'.
I done woked up late and was in the most awfullest hurry to get to school. Well, I wasn't payin' 'tention and as blind as them three mice in that there story, I snatched them envelopes and stuffed one of 'em in my notebook, ta other, I done slid under Tammy's bedroom door.
After a setten' Miss Haney's valentine in the basket on her desk, I took my seat and begun to fill with the most terriblest fright I ever did feel. I done fergot to sign both cards. How could Miss Haney know 'twas me who wrote that there gushy card if'n I fergot to sign the blame thang?
Then I figured it out; she's a right smart lady, she'll be keepin' track of who put their "John Hancock" on the valentines and after worryin' the horns off a billygoat with it, she'd figer 'twas me who fergot to put my chicken scratch on 'er card.
At supper time, kin was gathered to the table a chewin' the fat over the day's happenin's. Fer some reason my sister had been just as sweet as pie to me all afternoon...it was spooky!
"Everybody," says Tammy at the table, "I want to share with y'all a special valentine card I received under my bedroom door this mornin'."
Them vittles I'd just swallered lodged in my throat as Tammy began a readin' the mushy lines from 'er card.
Next mornin', I hussled off to school a hopin' to get there 'fore the other knot-headed kids and explain to Miss Haney about the mix up.
As I came a barrelin' 'round a corner of the school, I liked ta froze as I seen my teacher a standin' at the front doors and a smoochin' some guy fer a good lengthy time. Twas a pitty, tw--as a pitty. That po' heart-broke gal was so crushed by that valentine, she bounded right into the arms of another man.
What hurts even more than losin' Miss Haney to a stranger was havin' to tallerate my sister bein' sweet to me--heck fire, that could bust a guy's reputation.

12 comments:
4evergapeach said...
And the name you forgot to sign was Jethro....right? I mean, a mushy poem like that had to be written by someone who graduated from at least 6th grade! :)
Monday, February 13, 2006 6:56:00 AM EST
Da Gal said...
Ohhhh Doug - I hope you don't mind but I am considering this posting a Valentine to myself. It is the best darn Valentine a girl like myself could hope fer. This hear Valentine story was absolutely delishus. Hope your Valentine's day is full of unsigned valentines and that you love each one!The best part of an unsigned valentine is that you can believe your dream hunk/lady gave it to you and nobody can prove you wrong!
Monday, February 13, 2006 1:37:00 PM EST
Doug Bagley said...
Peach: LOL, I think you're right about that. Should have signed it Jethro.msmegnolia: Thanks for the Valentine well wishes. Hope your's was a good one too.
Monday, February 13, 2006 6:47:00 PM EST
Slim Suzy said...
LOL, I bet you didn't sleep in again when you had something so important to do!Hope your Valentine's Day wishes come true!
Monday, February 13, 2006 10:32:00 PM EST
Debbie said...
You didn't use "Mylins or MY LENS in your story. ha. I've always hated that saying. Can you find me that in a Websters?
Wednesday, February 15, 2006 12:45:00 AM EST
cantellya said...
That is flippin' hysterical! Great post!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006 9:43:00 AM EST
wendi said...
now THAT's funny
Wednesday, February 15, 2006 2:32:00 PM EST
Jamie Dawn said...
That story is sooo cute, and sooo cutely told too!What a costly mistake!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006 8:48:00 PM EST
Lis said...
AWWWWWWWW what a beautiful story DOUG!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006 10:29:00 PM EST
Sonia said...
LOL! That was funny as hell!
Thursday, February 16, 2006 10:32:00 AM EST
SonSon said...
LOL Poor soul, drove her straight into the arms of another man when I'm sure her true heart was already set....Great story. Where you come up with your ideas I'll never know
Saturday, February 18, 2006 3:32:00 AM EST
CameraDawktor said...
Very hillarious! Great story!!